News and Rumors:
April 26, 2002
In seems that in honor of the theatrical release of Jason X, Musical
Sciences has announced that Downers Grove: The Movie will be their
next Near-Feature Film. The announcement came early this morning, around
4 A.M. to be precise. I was awakened from my blissful sleep by a hysterical
phone call from Paul Matthew Day Lotz. It seemed that Mr. Lotz had gotten
himself into trouble again by killing another hooker. This wasn't the
first time I had to clean up on of Paul's messes. But rather then bore
you with tales of dead strippers and ritualistic animal torture, I'll
continue with the story at hand. Shuffling out of bed I retrieved my corpse
handling gloves and other "clean-up" items. Making a way for
my blue Chevy Nova I ventured to Paul's residence on 123 Bleaker street.
I arrived a little after 5 A.M. and sure enough there Paul had been right.
There was a very dead hooker lying on the kitchen counter with a turkey
baster placed in a place no turkey baster should go.
Grabbing my tools I was about to begin work on the hooker, when all of
a sudden she burst to life. Surprised by this I did the only rational
thing a man could do. I shoved a funnel in her mouth and fed her a bunch
of pills. She soon passed out and as I regained my breath, Paul started
screaming. Paul called me a murderer, a bastard and various other colorful
phrases. Perplexed by his rambling I asked what was wrong. Apprently this
hooker was acutally Paul's new girlfriend, the whole dead hooker bit was
just a way to get me over to his house. When Paul's girlfriend burst to
life, she was supposed to tell me that Musical Sciences new movie was
going to be, Downers Grove: The Movie. This came as a complete
surprise to me
Feeling a little embarassed by the whole situation, I apologized to Paul
and decided there was only one way to remedy the situation. So I shot
the comatose hook, knocked Paul out, and planted the gun in his hand.
Making my way to my Chevy Nova I called the police, and had Paul sent
away for a long, long time. So to sum up: Musical Science's new movie
is Downers Grove: The Movie, Paul Lotz is in jail for murder, and
the second coming of Jim Varney is schedulaed for October 11, 2006 (The
15th anniversary of Ernest Scared Stupid).
March 2, 2002
Does anyone remember Mayim Bialik? A question I posed during my in depth
interview with Downers Grove: The Movie co-star Mayim Bialik (Star
of NBC's Blossom). Here's a brief excerpt from our conversation:
Me:
So Mayim, I hear you're co-starring in Musical Science's Downers
Grove: The Movie?
Mayim: I keep
telling you I'm not Mayim Bialik. I'm Lark Voorhies!!
Me: Oh, I'm
sorry you just look so much like her
Lark: I'm
black
Me: I see
that now....<awkward silence>...So you were Lisa on Saved by
the Bell, right?
Lark: Yeah...
Me: Do you
remember when you started dating Zack in the episode with the fashion
show, and then in the next episode you weren't dating him, what was
up with that?
Lark then proceeded to punch me quite
hard. I regained conciousness severval hours later. My pants were gone
and there was a Zak Attack demo tape stapled to my inner thigh. I'll remember
Lark fondly. Both for her charm and ability to staple through a plastic
cassette tape
Other news from Yomkippurweekends.net
reports that Megan Leuenberger has just leased a brand new
apartment. Our kudos go to her on a job, done.
Finally we see a naked Pat Owens enjoying
a romp on his trampoline. Oh god why is he doing that? No don't move your
hand. OH GOD!! The flopping!! Always with the flopping!! This is a now
blind and horribly disfigured (I was mauled by a lemur while watching
Pat flop about) Zoki Gvojic signing off.
April 29, 2001
A mockumentary??? That was the question going through deceased actor Charelton
Heston's head. "I keep telling you I'm not dead. Why won't you listen
to me? A mockumentary??? What the Hell are you talking about? What are
you doing to my pants? Oh dear God!" says Mr. Heston when I caught up
with him in a men's room in Nebraska. Mr. Heston's question is a very
good one and an answer came recently from the elusive Todd Something.
"I like to sleep with men.......Oh! Yes the new Musical Sciences Film
is going to be a mockumentary. Heh Heh, I'm not gay.....<nervous chuckling>,"
says Mr. Something.
According to Rapsfordisease.com,
one of the stars of Downers Grove: The Movie was recently found dead in
front of a Taco Bell. Speculations say it's Kat Brown-Hess, but those
speculations were later denied when a man revealed the body to actually
be a large sack of oranges. An honest mistake.
Sarah Diehl can currently be seen in her
off-broadway play, Tonia Siambianes We Hardly Knew Yee. The play
is an update of the classic novel by Rachel Goad.
Recent reports place Pat Owens at the
local Hooters. This is due to the fact that he works there. Thank you
Mr. Obvious.
On a final note Hal Sparks was arrested
for murder one on Tuesday. Apparently a man had attempted to break into
Mr. Sparks one room dumpster when Sparks stabbed the man with a sharpened
stick of butter. Police report that the victim was none other then Greg
Kinnear, the original host of Talk Soup. Many claim that Mr. Kinnear was
just trying to throw away the script for As Good as it Gets 2: The
Obssessive Compulsive Beach Blast. Others say Greg isn't really dead
at all. In fact he's in a new movie with Hugh Jackman and Ashley Judd.
Who's right? Who really cares?
 Got
some news on this movie? Email
me!
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