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The following is a collection of emails I have recieved
from Mr. Gregory Micheal Hess.
I find them extremely amusing and I hope you do too. So without further Apu......
From:
"Gregory Hess" <emcflat@hotmail.com> Save Address - Block Sender
To:
bobcorn5@hotmail.com Save Address
Subject:
a lengthy repremand on your "Present"...for shame
Date:
Mon, 11 Sep 2000 20:14:11 CDT
I am afraid I don't even know where to begin. To think that such a gift would ever even cross the ultra-conservative mind of the one and only Dr Gvojic is as unbelievable as it is funny. How very odd.. Well, I am currently at the WOODRIGE PUBLIC LIBRARY. Mark is here. I think he is asleep. As for my health, you could say i am in the pink. My teeht and gums are in perfect condition, though i was hit by a car only moments ago. Hope your dorm is packed to the brim with loose southern belles just looking for a good couples of hours... make that minutes. I mean, youre only human. Just for your information I am planning a mock Email in the style of your lengthy letter only a few days prior. You are going to crash and burn, gvojic, crash and burn.. Today there was a huge rainstorm here, which would have been okay, were my CAR WINDOWS NOT ROLLED DOWN. Now My once shabby car has been reduced to a wet shabby car.. Oh well. In conclusion, I hope you hear these phrases in the not-to-distant future:
1. "What do you need those ratty old underpants for anyway, sugar?"
2. (in thick serbian accent) "Go get them, Zoran!! F*%k their brains out, you wild beast!!"(indecipherable serbian muttering)
3. "If it's a boy, we'll name him Billy Joe, If it's a girl, Billie Jo..... "
4. "Is this a pimple or a gummi bear?"
5. "Anyone up for a good ol fashioned tractor pull."
6. "Zoki, I'm afraid you've got herpes simplex A."
7. "The damn dog drank all the moonshine, wilbur!"
8. "purple mokey dishwasher, hermans gonna kill jonny at the savvy garden tonight"
9. "Danny Keller was killed earlier today in a violent dart swallowing contest."
10. "Youre naked, Im naked... what the hell!"Yours with eggs and pecans,
-Greg " I don't know, Im AC, dammit!!" Hess
-Mark "quiet unthreatening shrug" Kleinfelder
-and that black guy who keeps staring at me. I think his name is D'wayneEmail us back RIGHT NOW>
THIS MESSAGE WILL SELF DESTRUCT IF NOT PROPERLY REFRIGERATED
that is all the witty comments we could think of, and im damn proud...(sob.).. I have to go...........greg + mark/////////////////////////////////////////////////
From:
"Gregory Hess" <emcflat@hotmail.com> Save Address - Block Sender
To:
bobcorn5@hotmail.com Save Address
Subject:
So, dueling Emails is your game, eh?? Lets go!
Date:
Wed, 13 Sep 2000 18:47:42 CDT
Hello, zoran. Your old pal greg hess here. It seems that we are to have a deadly game of dueling Emails. You instigated it, so don't you dare slack off. Shall we begin? Delve now, if you dare, into the all too farmiliar world of my psychie;
Allow me to take care of business first and foremost. Mark and I are going to eastern this weekend, and then U of I two weeks later with Scott. Next on the list is ISU, then Purdue, then You! We will get down there eventually, zoran, when you least expect it.....
(insert stalking scene from Psycho)
______________________________________________________________________________MY EMAIL
a poemwell, well, zoki how've you been?
to rape a toddler is a sin,
and did you ever cut your chin,
at night when you were shaving?once when I was out alone,
i chanced upon a biodome
and paulie shore, adorned in chrome
was there (and misbehaving)ah, tedious though this may be,
the man who now sits next to me,
resembles ol' Ted Kennedy,
how strange! (and also frightening)This question, now, deserves a thought,
what source of power (safe or not)
makes 1.21 gigawatts?
I say! A bolt of lightning!Now, time has taken quite a toll,
against my prior days new goal,
to beat your email without stall,
For I am bad at rhyming.But once, in 1964,
I purchased stock in standard oil,
and left them in a coffee store,
good greif, what frightful timing,this rhyming thing is gettin old.
I let my wife out in the cold
and now its night and im to old,
to put on my pajamasso as you read my sorry poem,
don't fall asleep, just get a foam
banana, stuffit full of home-
cooked sausage, call it daddy.And now, i fear, im all alone,
no one to hear my sad, sweet, moan,
"hay, asshole, just get off the phone!
I've got to call my analyst!"And now, my time is running short,
my endless poem I must abort,
I must return back to the fort,
And halt the evil robots,from burning all the houses down,
across this sordid little town,
I really hate to see em frown,
but they just wont let up,so think of me, my old, dear friend
When all thats left is twenty grand
in your god damn swiss bank account
thanks to some fucking
two bit little hussy from San Reno, who thinks she owns your ass,
just cause of some fucking little fling back in
1986!!!!
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Hope you enjoyed that poem. It cost me twenty minutes of my life and untold dollars in therapy sessions. Hope all is well in Alabama or vegas or where ever the hell you are.
Well, the librarians are giving me dirty looks. I better go. Mail me backLove and goosestepping,
One pissed-off Wallaby AKA Greg Hess AKA two pissed off wallabies
(look behind you)
From:
"Gregory Hess" <emcflat@hotmail.com> Save Address - Block Sender
To:
bobcorn5@hotmail.com Save Address
Subject:
please don't take my legs...
Date:
Fun, 18 Sup 2000 13:13:42 CDT
Well, hello again all, its been fun reading all your emails and I can't help but laugh at them over and over again, so my theory is that you will laugh too. Because if you dont I swear to God I'll make you pay...
Here is yet another piping hot bowl of yummy email goodness, courtesy of the one and only human/hummingbird hybrid, Greg Hess. Actually as with my last letter i was forced to compile this work at gunpoint by a small militia of renegade mexican racehorses....
Enjoy. Still waiting to hear back from some of you (you know who you are) about the 7th. Anyways, expect lots of emails from me and if a giant caterpillar ever tells you to eat a pill that says BIGGER on it, don't do it, its a trap..
(please note that in several cases words and quotes were taken out of context to enhance their humorousness. If anyone is offended they can take it up with my lawyer, the late Nebraska railroad tycoon and self made trillionairre Archibald Merriwhether Johnstone III. (god rest his soul..)
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Paul lotz:
-tell me when you get the crimson wave, so I don't have to worry about being a father, and if you don't get it, tell me so I can get some vodka and a bent clothes hanger.
-I thought only steers and queers came from Texas, you don't look much like a steer, so that kind narrows it down, now doesn't it? nah justkidding
-I wouldn't sell my soul, but I would try to hock Scott's.Melissa Gamble:
-Hey Mark, whats up? I will be at Gregs. I miss you and Greg. Love ya Melissa
-Hey Greg, I actually meant to adress the first message I sent to you, so disregard all refrences to Mark.
-Hey Greg!! I'm sick and tired of eating this dorm
-I'll talk to you laterAndy Block :
-oh s*$tZoki Gvojic:
-Oh hello. I'm Zoki Gvojic. You may remember from such other emails as "Beta? No thanks I don't gamble" and "Elaborant Emails of Valerie Virus"
-Pain, anger, sorrow, badness
Gilligan got me into this mess
-So I would also like to thank Vodka "Lowering inhibitions since 1875"Michelle Nalon:
-i don't have a lot of time
J ust about the size of Greg's foot
E xists only through memories
N ever hungry until after we leave the restaurantG reatest man alive
R eally needs to get drunk more often
E njoys reading classics, such as Huck Finn, at very odd times
G entle GiantM an of Few Words
A nnouncement: Mark has finally dumped Sandy!
R adio Shak's most beloved employee
K ing of Crude Comments (Hey, Patrice, get drunk and drive.)V ulnerable to getting his arm chopped off
I talian Stallion
N eeds to wear noseplugs while sleeping to help is horse like snoring
C lean...every three days
E njoys wrestlingD resses himself
A pe man
V ery considerate of his roommate
E vilP repared at all times
A. K.A. The King of Raunch
U nderwear? What underwear?
L ovable and huggable(SHE SENT ME LIKE 10 BUT THE REST WERE OF QUESTIONABLE TASTE... GH)
Amit Mackar:
-wkend, bbut ppl goin...go damnit....woulod u be able to pick me up...browns...aka...amitty poohDave Schneider:::::
-Its kind of funny. Right now, Alex is gone from the room and on his desk is an envelope of weed. Thats crazy Alex Jenkins for you.
-I opened the bathroom door, knowing that soon all the icky feelings that clung to me from the night would soon be off. I pushed the door open with the power of 12 Hungarian Dance Lords. Unfortunatly, on the other side of the door was a man named Lustor. The door smacked Lustor quite hard in the face. He keeled back in pain and crumbled to the ground. I looked at him, looked around, and proceeded to the shower. I got cleaned up and after attending the funeral of Lustor, I proceeded to buy myself a new lapel pin. Unfortunaltly, I wasnt even close to satisfied with the lapel pin. I realized I have no lapels and the nearest lapel store was in Grand Rapids Michigan. Extremely agitated, I went to class, had a duel with my teacher and returned home to find Alex passed out from exhaustion and Billy Blanks calling him a "GREEN TOMATO LOVING, POODLE EATING WEAK BOYAH". I had to defend my roommate Alex, so I grabbed my lapel pin and threw it at Billy. What luck. It was a direct hit right in his left palm. That is where Billy's heart is located.
-Dave "Constructor of large cantaloupe shrines" Schneider
-Dave "I have no idea what the hell happened in the last 20 minutes" Schneider
-Dave "Love seed planter/harvestor" Schneider
-Dave "Long lasting peristalsis" Schneider
-Dave "Emeril Lagosse ate my balls" Schneider
-Dave "With all these nickels, who needs dimes" SchneiderMegan Leuenberger:
-i am some kind o shithead stupid f*%k well gotta go
-i hate it here i am going to strangle myself with one of amit's long hairs
-lots of love and suicide,
meg
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Well, those are just a few of the countless highlights. A few more things about the 7th, before i forget. First is parking, dont park on my culdesac for a few obvious reasons, so there are streets on either side about a block down you can park at. Dont park in the church, you'll get towed. Also if anyone is in contact with the elusive Jen Czeckowski make sure she knows about it, that is if she is still alive. I'll send you all individual stuff eventually, im only human. uh, i think thats all... Dress code is formal dinnerware, preferrably tuxedo caliber, and will be strictly adhered to. NO EXCEPTIONS. Any way, i am Looking forward very much to seeing you all in the unpromising dark void that is my not-to-distant future.Love,
(except you Paul)Greg "bringer of doom" Hess
From:
"Gregory Hess" <emcflat@hotmail.com> Save Address - Block Sender
To:
bobcorn5@hotmail.com Save Address
Subject:
drunk at u of i and wolfs in pants
Date:
Sat, 30 Sep 2000 01:31:51 CDT
hey zoki this may be brief but since you have written me suxch interestindg drunken emails I decuded to try it. i think a story is in order.. here goes i aM AYT U OF I WITH DAVE AND megan and i love then so much, i never reakky knew how much they meant to me.
story written with only one hand:
mr sriuk wasa balding man of about 35 with a n aambiguois past,hows that for a start well it isa 1 34 am and i am tired from alcohol,,, must sleep and rejuvinate ny bones... dave amd megab sebd thier love,
love is a many splendored thing
greg " lonliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix" hess
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From:
"Gregory Hess" <emcflat@hotmail.com> Save Address - Block Sender
To:
bobcorn5@hotmail.com Save Address
Subject:
1.21 Gigawatts of manhood
Date:
Thu, 05 Oct 2000 19:47:27 CDT
Hello there Zoki. Havent emailed ya in a while so i felt guilty and drank a bottle of miracle gro, then i wrote you this email. Its a shame you are so far away, every one is coming back for south's homecoming and coming to my house for a party, but rest assured we will all be thinking of you, i am even going to put something up on that lightup sign that says something clever about you. Here are some ideas;
1. Zoki is a homosexual
2. Zoki is not a homosexual
3. I am a homosexual, zoki is not an antelope.
4. Antelopes are homosexuals, zoki is too.
5. Oops, Zoki crapped his pants
6. Zoki for County Coroner.
7. Zoki rhymes with skokie.. Coincidence?
8. Zoki is coming.
9. CENSORED ZokiThese are but a few of the ones on my list. The list was written by Garfield the Cat, so most of them were about lasagna. Did I spell that right? How goes with MMA? Is it up to par or close? Did you splice little excerpts of porn into it? Well, thats too bad. Heres a thought; I wish that my **** wasn't so damn small. I am really not proud of this email zoki. I feel ashamed actually. Oh ,well, nothings easy...........,.,,,.,.,,.,.,.,./-)
signed,
Greg "use Garfield remarks to distract terrorists" He
From:
"Gregory Hess" <emcflat@hotmail.com> Save Address - Block Sender
To:
bobcorn5@hotmail.com Save Address
Subject:
noooooooo!
Date:
Wed, 25 Oct 2000 12:21:09 CDT
paul and dave are stealing control of musical sciences. We gotta think of something good, and fast... I got it! Midgets on Ice! No good? Ok, ok, uh , uhhhh, Got IT! nude pictures of librarians! no good? jesus your no fun. when is your last day? Email it to me, so that i might request that weekend of to come rescue your buetiful serbian ass.
Greg "Beauty is only knee deep" Hess